Assalammualaikum,

I don't know what to feel. new year is coming. but I feel empty. Idk, I just want a job. I want to be fully busy till I can't bother to remember anything else but my job. and when I'm back home, I'll do nothing but sleep and dream. I'll wake up and go to work and do the same thing over and over again.

as for my leisure time, which are making me lifeless, I have decided to draw. draw and forget the reality. I'll watch anime and dramas and be in my dreams and fantasies. just like I'm used to be. I let myself be alone thinking, 'what type of person I used to be?' and I thought how cheerful I am before. and I miss doing crazy things with my friends, I miss being talkactive. 

I have changed, and everyone noticed it. as time flies, everyone who I once knew began to leave. no not really, it was me who left. and now, I have commit sins, that is why God punished me. I gave away everything just to keep one thing by my side.

that thing, brought me back to life, teach me how to smile and survive. and when it tries to leave, I became insecure. I don't want to be left alone. not anymore. but I guess what I did is unacceptable. what I did annoyed people more and hurt them. I didn't mean to hurt people as myself is hurting, I just don't want them to feel my pain. the more I try to keep them away from pain, the more I feel it. 

it hurts. I'm not strong anymore. it's hurting me so bad. I tried to keep that thing beside me, till I forgot what brings it happiness. I tried to keep away its happiness just for my freaking selfish sake. I just want to possess, its not love right? that's why, I'm leaving. if I could become invisible that would be great.