Assalammualaikum,

it's been a long time. I kinda had a 'fun' life before, and I think it's about to end. the one I love the most, turned out not love me. everything he said wasn't a lie, he just can't be with me.

and here I am, being stubborn and stupid, crawling back to him asking him to try more. I don't have anyone else tbh. I only trusts him although I have friends around me, I just can't trust them. I'm pathetic am I? 

I need him, why am I so childish? why can't I be mature. I'm hurt enough. I feel so depressed right now, I don't even know myself anymore. am I the nice girl or the bad one? I'm nor nice or bad. I don't know, I'm lost. I feel empty.

if he's not going to be there, then I might feel more depressed. I hurt myself just now, but I can't feel anything. there's just scars. I'm not mad at him cause he can't love me, I'm mad at myself cause I keep searching for him even in daylight.

he was my savior. he brought me back to life. he reached my hands when I'm falling deeper in those darkness. he is my light. what am I supposed to do if my light will be gone? I can't be friends with him. its hurts so much. my chest hurts so much I feel like dying. 

I will never, letting anyone else coming into my life. not a single guy. I can't trust those humans. I can't even trust myself anymore.